Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Bobby Petrino's Press Conference

According to, Bobby Petrino has quit his job as head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks, has accepted an 9 year offer to coach the Red Hook Raiders, and held a press conference at the Rec Park to announce his new job. The following is a transcript of the press conference.

PETRINO: I am very happy to be here. I've always loved Red Hook. This is one of my dream jobs. I will now take questions. Brian?

BRIAN MOORE: Brian Moore, Gazette. First of all, congratulations coach. Secondly, why leave Arkansas?

PETRINO: Well, Brian. It turns out that Arkansas wasn't really the right fit for me. I felt as if I could spread my wings elsewhere. And when the Red Hook position came up, my knees just buckled. I couldn't believe it. My mistress has a house in Tivoli, so that's good.

BRIAN: Yes, but why leave Arkansas after not even having the job for 24 hours?

PETRINO: Well, Brian, after I got the job, someone e-mailed a mock draft to me for the 2008 NFL Season. And, as it turns out, they projected Darren McFadden to leave. So there was no point for me to stay. Yes, Travis?

TRAVIS MILLER: Travis Miller, Poughkeepsie Journal and BMC Sports. Are you really trying to tell us that you had no idea that Darren McFadden might declare for the draft before you took the job at Arkansas?

PETRINO: Well, Travis, it turns out that it was a last minute decision for me to join the Arkansas community. I really did not have time to research whether or not Darren McFadden would want to come back to play. Yes, Peter?

PETER KING: Why did you elect to leave the Falcons after only thirteen games?

PETRINO: I was under the impression that Michael Vick would be our quarterback and once he went down, I just mailed in the rest of the season. I kind of got bored with it all, to be honest.

PETER: Are you aware that Mike Vick's got a career completion percentage of 53.8 and a 75.7 passer rating?

PETRINO: Not at all. I just watch SportsCenter highlights.

BRIAN: Why should anyone ever trust another thing you say?

PETRINO: Listen, a man's allowed to change his mind, right? Give a man a break. I just happened to change my mind three times in the course of a year. But I love Red Hook. I'm staying in Red Hook. Which is why I would like announce my retirement from the head coach position of the Red Hook Raiders and announce that I have just accepted an offer to coach the Shakedown, a flag football team at Manhattan College. Now, if you'd excuse me, I have a private jet to catch. I need to call another press conference.

1 comment:

Travis Miller said...

brilliance. pure brilliance. Page 2, eat your heart out.