Thursday, July 3, 2008

Try managing this team:

Baseball has a lot of over-privileged, self-righteous players who overdose from the fumes of their own brand. Without any hesitation, I present my MLB-all-ass team of this generation:

Macon Mudslingers

C: A.J. Pierzynski - Altercations with Michael Barrett and Carlos Zambrano on back-to-back days, multiple complaints from teammates, and just as Derek Jeter won the "most overrated" award from MLB players, Pierzynski won "most deserving to get beaned," with an overwhelming 18 percent.
1b: Jeff Kent - A racist redneck who didn't reach his prime until after the Mets traded him. Arguments with teammates, breaking contract by riding his motorcycle, getting in an accident, and blaming the injuries on "falling while I was washing my truck." I only list him as 1b because of the 2b listed below...
2b: Roberto Alomar - September 27, 1996, after being called out on strikes, Alomar began to argue with home plate umpire John Hirschbeck. Words were exchanged, and Alomar ended up spitting in Hirschbeck's face. He was only suspended five games...let's see what would happen nowadays. Don't even get me started on how poorly he played in his years with the Mets.
SS: Derek Jeter - "The Captain" is anything but a captain. He doesn't speak up and support his teammates publicly, he is grossly overpaid, and these "intangibles" everyone speaks of are becoming less and less apparent as the years go on. He thinks he runs the show, but can't back it up on the field. Then off the field, he gets all the beautiful women I wish I could get.
3b: Scott Rolen - Drama with Tony LaRussa during the 2006 season and during the playoffs earns Rolen a spot on my list. Third base is a shallow category here. Plus, I love A-Rod too much to put him on my list.
OF: Barry Bonds - Doesn't talk to the media, won't play in Boston because it's a racist city, won't admit ever knowingly taking steroids, and won't sign autographs for white fans...I still believe he belongs in the Hall of Fame, but he also belongs atop this list.
OF: Milton Bradley - Career highlights include tearing his ACL while arguing with an umpire, and rampaging through Kauffman Stadium looking for Royals' play-by-play announcer, Ryan Lefebvre for making questionable comments about him. Another team's announcer talking trash about the opponent of the team that pays him??? It's a good thing Bradley wasn't watching or listening when the Rangers just played the Yankees. Michael Kay and John Sterling would be on Bradley's mantle right now.
OF: Carl Everett - Where to start? He doesn't believe in homosexuality or dinosaurs. I know, it's a strange combination, but it's true. He threatened to set any gay teammates straight. He also said since dinosaurs aren't in the bible and nobody saw them, then they don't exist. People saw Adam and Eve, so they exist. Umpires don't like him, fans don't like him, and teammates don't like him. He loves being hated.

There were too many outfielders to choose from, so I have to include an honorable mention:

Honorable Mention:
Vince Coleman (injured Doc Gooden while wildly swinging a golf club in the clubhouse, throwing lit fireworks into a crowd of fans, injuring a three-year old), Elijah Dukes (throwing bats at umpires, fighting with managers in dugouts), Albert Belle (probably should be in my starting outfield...check out his resume under "controversy"), Lastings Milledge (publicly upstaging veterans, making C-list rap songs), Jose Guillen (continuing drama with Mike Scioscia, one of the best managers in the game, ratted out Brendan Donnelly for "illegal substances" on his glove, played for 9 teams in 11 seasons...there's got to be something wrong there) , Paul Lo Duca (little man syndrome, likes underage girls, and likes picking fights he can't win), Karim Garcia (beating up grounds crew members at Fenway), Michael Barrett (fighting with teammates and opponents--Roy Oswalt [twice], A.J. Pierzynski, Carlos Zambrano), Doug Mientkiewicz (trying to keep Boston's '04 W.S. ball. Earn some street cred with the city and the team before trying to own history.), Coco Crisp (spiking Akinori Iwamura without proper justification, saying he thought it was Jason Bartlett...I don't see the resemblance--Crisp was drilled the next day, inciting a brawl that probably hasn't been settled yet now that the Rays are in first), Gerald Williams (mound-charger extraordinaire), Jose Reyes (I'm waiting for the day Carlos Delgado punches him in the face for acting up), and Gary Sheffield (accusing everyone and their mother of being racist, speaking out on controversial topics at inopportune times...I don't know if he can coexist on the same team as Jeter seeing as how Jeter "ain't all the way black")

SP: Roger Clemens - Broken bat incident with Mike Piazza, 9th on the all-time hit batsmen list, accused on more than one occasion of being a headhunter, cheats on his wife with 15-year old girls, and dare we even begin to mention the Mitchell Report?
SP: Randy Johnson - Third all-time on the hit batsmen list, several testy run-ins with the media, and he killed a dove with a 100-mph fastball. Shave that mullet.
SP: Scott Olsen - Olsen makes my starting rotation just because of his upside. He's still only 24, but an entire division hates him. He has an insane temper, publicly fights with teammates (Miguel Cabrera, Sergio Mitre), surfaces with black eyes from other teammates (Randy Messenger), and is cited for disciplinary problems from Managers. Tells the media he "hates" Chase Utley and the Phillies because they own the Marlins. Fled from Police after being pulled over for driving 48 in a 35. He was found sitting in a plastic chair in his front yard. Police had to taser him when he resisted arrest by kicking at them...he failed the ensuing sobriety test. This kid has a great future ahead of him in the MLB.
SP: Curt Schilling - His blog makes more headlines than he does nowadays, talking trash about players, management, and media...Schilling is more concerned about getting face time on TV than he is about playing the game or helping his team.
SP: Pedro Martinez - I hate to do it, but it's only right. Pedro speaks a little too much of what's on his mind with the media, and he's never been afraid to pitch high and tight...then admit it either after the game, if not on the field. See: Pointing at Jorge Posada's head saying he'll drill him.
RP: Billy Wagner - Another racist redneck to join Kent, Clemens, and Johnson. I forsee Wagner picking on the minorities of this team when they lose games and he blows the save. He likes to burn bridges after leaving teams.
RP: Todd Jones - A closer nicknamed "rollercoaster" is never a good start. We can sum Jones up in one quote: "I wouldn't want a gay guy being around me. It's got nothing to do with me being scared. That's the problem: All these people say he's got all these rights. Yeah, he's got rights or whatever, but he shouldn't walk around proud. It's like he's rubbing it in our face. 'See me, Hear me roar.' We're not trying to be close-minded, but then again, why be confrontational when you don't really have to be?"
RP: John Rocker - We probably don't need Kent, Clemens, Johnson, or Wagner. We've got the racist of all racists! Just for Rocker's sake, we'll make this team from Macon, Georgia, so he doesn't have to deal with kids with purple hair, queers with AIDS, people who have just gotten out of jail for the fourth time, or 20-year old moms with four kids. I just hope he doesn't have take issue with any overweight people on the team. He doesn't like them, either.

Honorable Mention:
Jeff Nelson (helping Karim Garcia beat up the grounds crew) , Kevin Brown (finally activated from the DL and breaks his hand punching a wall), Armando Benitez (drilled Tino Martinez after giving up a three-run shot to Bernie Williams...then challenged the entire Yankees' roster to a fight...they complied and Darryl Strawberry knocked Benitez out), Carlos Zambrano (likes to drill the same player multiple times in a game where he hits a home run off Big Z), Kenny Rogers (dirtgate, beating up cameramen)

Of course, every team needs management and front office:

President/Owner/CEO: George and Hank Steinbrenner - I could write about 2,500 words on why these two get the nod, but if you've been reading the whole way, I'll spare you and assume you can figure it out yourself.
General Manager: J.P. Ricciardi - Where's Pat Gillick? The man who brought two titles to Toronto, drafted John Olerud, one of the greatest guys to ever play the game, and only talked about his own players...Ricciardi, who has never met Adam Dunn, claims on a radio show that Dunn has no passion for the game and has no place on his last-place team. He should be begging to have a .220 hitter with 40 home runs on his squad.
Manager: Ozzie Guillen - Even if he can't light a fire under this team's ass, he'll at least make the post-game interviews worthwhile.
Bench Coach: Don Zimmer - There might not be any controversial players left for Zimmer to attack when the benches clear, but it's safe to assume that this team will cause some brawls...they could use Zimmer on their side to provide some spunk.

Honorable Mention:
Billy Beane (though I like his style, outspoken GMs drive me nuts), Jerry Reisndorf (pays more attention to the Bulls than he does to the White Sox. I also need to give the Steinbrenners a chance to deal with Ozzie Guillen), Joe Girardi (I've never liked him...reminds me of Paul lo Duca with the little-man syndrome and the pompous personality), and Lou Piniella (a God among men on this list)

I wonder how this team would do in a 162-game season...

Umpires: Joe West, C.B. Bucknor, Doug Eddings, and Angel Hernandez

Purposely left off this list: Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, Glendon Rusch, and Mark Cuban


Travis Miller said...

Am I missing anyone?

ERnie said...

Jesus, no wonder this took you until today to post. Let me get my popcorn and soda, this might take awhile to read..

ERnie said...

No Larry Bowa or JD Drew?

Travis Miller said...

I think J.D. Drew gets a worse rap than he, it's Philly fans who hate him. The wost fans in the world!

And when I'm tossing around names like Piniella and Guillen, I don't think Bowa belongs

ERnie said...

My feelings are Drew deserves all bad things that come to him. He did what he did in Philly and then to spurned the Dodgers by opting out of his contract after his second (I wanted to underline or italicize "second" but I don't think I can) year on the team and with 3 years left.

Probably wouldn't have had to sign Andruw and waste that fucking money on his fat ass.

BTW I've always loved Bowa and how he handled himself in Philly. I also used to think Bradley was hilarious but his antics have gotten pretty ridiculous lately.

Travis Miller said...

reading through all of their antics, it's tough to pick a favorite. Bradley's injury while arguing with the ump is epic, everything scott olsen does is fantastic, armando benitez trying to take on the entire yankees team is good, and Big Z beaning edmonds twice in a row after home runs is hilarious

Michael J. Clark said...

Love the inclusion of the Cubanator.

Chris Barrows said...

F'n Kevin Brown